Finally, I’ve met the ONE. So you say. How do you know since you have believed this a few times before only to have found out how off you were (after the 2nd encounter or when you noticed their socks didn’t match, or that the car they sported was a rental they needed to return for their uncle)?. I’ll tell you why.
This happens in the beginning.
1) They flood you with their attention and put in extra over time, so much, so fast, that you fall for them, undoubtedly, as you believe they have for you.
2) They bring you up so high, making you the center of their world – just for this, you believe they were God-sent, making up for all your past ill-will relationships.
3) They create this belief that everything they do is for your best interest, so you begin to confide your whole life story to them, while you know very little if not nothing about theirs.
4) They say the right words, do the right things, all their gestures point to a person that truly cares about you.
5) You begin to question “How did I ever live without you?” and soon “What will I do without you?”.
6) You exclaim to the world that you’ve found “the one" and that this is THE real deal. Any plans you had for yourself before meeting them suddenly gets pushed back, your priorities then gets re-prioritized voluntarily, by You. Everything you do, you do it for them.
7) When friends or family members show resistance into accepting your new found love, you force it upon them, to understand that they are everything you’ve always wanted and more, and ask “Why can’t you just be happy for me?”.
8) If anyone should express their discontent towards your relationship, you will: 1) shun that person out of your life 2) believe that people are envious of what you have, therefore not wanting to see you happy.
9) You slowly begin to disregard all negative things that others try to present to you about your new love.
10) You begin to over protect your relationship and rebel against everyone around and slowly no one comes around.
Within the FIRST YEAR:
You’re in a honeymoon state of bliss that you’ve never experienced with anyone before. Life is good!
1) One day, they suddenly disappear. You immediately think something bad has happened to them, because everyday at the same time, you would get their call or txt msgs and your day would begin from that moment.
2) You think nothing of this and send them a txt msg. A few minutes pass, you send another txt msg and another every 15 minutes. Finally, after multiple unanswered msgs, you make a call and to your surprise, it goes straight to voice-mail. Something definitely is wrong, as you know they would never be non respondent to msgs or calls, especially YOURS.
3) Panic and worry sets in as you try to get a grasp of where the fuck are they? and what could they be doing that would constitute not contacting you this day? The audacity…..
4) You go into EXTREME PI mode, something you repeatedly swore that would never happen this time…especially with THE ONE.
5) You search every connecting surrounding county’s inmate locator page, secretly hoping that their name would appear…so that they could be excused from this unacceptable behavior.
6) You scour every page of every mutual friend you have on FACEBOOK, like a fine tooth comb, looking for anything that could be out of the norm and everything that didn’t ever interest you. You needed to find that one damming picture or status update that fell out of someone’s character...again, so that they can be excused for their sudden absence…but you find nothing.
7) Its so idiotic what is happening….but its still okay, as long as it keeps you away from calling their relative – the mutual one.
8) Time passes – super slow – so slow you start to believe that all this is a result of something you have done wrong. Your calls, msgs, eventually cries of sos never get replied. Your madness turns to worry. Its so unlike their character that you tell yourself that you would be happy just to know they’re ok – regardless what they are doing. You’ve settled and involuntarily took down all your boundaries for the sake of needing to know, and ofcourse, to have them back.
9) Fast forward through the mayhem of where the fuck are they? Cause somehow you found out there whereabouts. A 7 day road trip with their siblings, visiting back home.
10) You were not invited or included. You start to feel a sickness of being betrayed, that you were not notified, or given any kind of info of their planned temporary departure. You were an outcast to their personal life endeavors. You become furious thinking who the fuck are they to do this to you? You start reciting all the things you plan to confront them with as soon as you get to see them. But when? You still don’t know when or even why they left town without a word. You start replaying the events the days up to when they disappeared. Did I do something wrong? How dare they just leave me hanging like this? Your emotions become a mixed puddle of doubt and uncontrollable blunders of unanswered questions.
The beginning of the Point of no return.
1) They come back to town. You refuse to wait another minute and come to their place to demand some answers. All the things you had memorized to drill them with became a blank white page of obsoleteness…because they opened armed welcomed your ass as if they have never met you before. Wide eyes, in awe of you as if they just fell in love with your being and said they wished they never left town because it was the most unentertaining and wasteful time of their life after meeting you.
a. You’ve reached the point of no return. Because you just passed the portal door that says “no matter what they do or no matter what happens, I will take them back, no questions asked.” Things are back to being good if not even better than before they left, no need to rock the boat with stupid questions now. Time to go drink and celebrate.
b. You handed them direct insight into how high your tolerance level can get.
c. You showed them who’s BOSS! And for sure it wasn’t YOU.
Many others looking at this relationship, shake their heads and frown at why this person is able to do the things they do, how they can dictate and control what they please to do in scenarios that the rest of us would dare not try to do – knowing that the end results are hurtful injustices to the other person. This is because, it’s not happening to them. Until YOU are the one facing this predicament, you will never understand or even begin to comprehend the extent of how deep the grasp is upon the other person.
Can you relate to this? We all have a little bit of this nature in us, just at various levels of degree. I never understood why I was being treated the way I was, why I was made to feel not worthy, useless at times, ashamed and betrayed by the person I believed loved me as as he said he did. It took many many incidents of wicked, heart wrenching acts directed towards me before I began to question my insanity. Something was always a little off and I could never pinpoint the source of this aching cancer in my heart – I couldn’t confront what I didn’t know how to explain which made me more adamant about not leaving – atleast until I understood WHY and get an APOLOGY (which would never happened).
I know why and how I survived in this relationship for that insane amount of unacceptable time to the rest of us. I just kept telling myself and others – “that’s just how he is" – to the point where anything and everything he did was OK, because that’s just how he is. You either ACCEPT it or REJECT it?
I am bringing this once dark side of my life to light. Not for the purpose of justifying or bringing anyone down after the fact – but if this hits a chord within you as you are reading this – than YOU are not alone.
Understand this. Educate yourself on this so you can see it for what it is and detect it so you can avoid or prevent it – not only for yourself but for the people in your life as well. This kind of pain never leaves you permanently because of the thought in the back of your mind that reminds you all the things you could’ve or should’ve said and done at that moment, but didn’t. It’s a silent regret that keeps lingering.
My Podcast is available upon request and I share with those who truly want to hear and understand where I’ve been these past 10 years.